


The Whole Experience

by Rina (rinadoll)



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Apples, Autumn, Baked Goods, David Rose Loves Patrick Brewer, M/M, ToT: Battle of the Bands, date
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27157178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinadoll/pseuds/Rina
Summary: On the drive there, Patrick got more and more excited about sharing his many, many, many childhood memories of apple and pumpkin farms. He and a few of his cousins had even worked at one in high school and college.David began to worry that this was entering escape room territory--was there an element of competition Patrick wasn’t sharing with him? Or was it just a huge part of the Brewer family identity? He wasn’t sure which would be better.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 12
Kudos: 96
Collections: Trick or Treat Exchange 2020





	The Whole Experience

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kissoffools](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kissoffools/gifts).



> Happy Trick or Treat, kissoffools!! I absolutely adored your prompts and had fun combining a few of your ideas into one very autumnal story. Hope you enjoy!

In retrospect, David should have asked more questions.

It was the end of a long day, the broom was practically supporting him as they finished their closing tasks, and he was ready to get home.

So when Patrick said, “Hey, I have an idea for our day off Monday,” all David asked was, “Does it involve food?” It did, so he was satisfied. For the moment.

“Apple...picking?” David asked Monday morning, brow creased. “We sell apples. Go pick one of them.” 

“It’s a whole thing,” Patrick explained. “There’s a farm, past Elm Prairie. They sell the whole experience, David.” 

“Oh, an experience,” David said, rolling his eyes. “Everyone has an experience these days. In my day, I got laughed at.”

“It’s not quite our branded immersive experience,” Patrick said, rubbing David’s shoulder. “But it is a fun day out. They have acres of fruit trees, a pumpkin patch, a petting zoo, a store, food stalls, a bakery. Something for everyone.” 

“Next time, lead with the food and not the wild creatures,” David said. “Fancy bakery?”

“Basic,” Patrick said. “But everything is fresh, and the food stalls have apple cider, donuts, all fresh made on site. Plus some days, and I can’t promise they have it today.” He met David’s eyes gravely. “But some days, there’s a barbeque.” 

David bit back a smile. “Fine, fine, we’ll go to the apple farm.”

He finished his coffee and went to get ready for the day. When he met back up with Patrick in the kitchen for more coffee, Patrick cocked his head. “Are you sure about that outfit?” he asked.

David gave a little shimmy. “I am always sure about my outfit,” he said. “See, boots. I’ve been on farms before.”

He was in fact wearing [tall white Versace boots](https://www.versace.com/us/en-us/men/shoes/boots/greca-rhegis-boots-d01/DSU7885-DCRTEG_D01.html#q=GRECA%2BRHEGIS%2BBOOTS&start=1), with his bleached jeans and an [oversized black sweater with glittering sequins](https://www.lyst.com/clothing/saint-laurent-embellished-mohair-blend-sweater-2). 

“Well, all right,” Patrick said, doubtfully. 

On the drive there, Patrick got more and more excited about sharing his many, many, many childhood memories of apple and pumpkin farms. He and a few of his cousins had even worked at one in high school and college. 

David began to worry that this was entering escape room territory--was there an element of competition Patrick wasn’t sharing with him? Or was it just a huge part of the Brewer family identity? He wasn’t sure which would be better.

They both had assumed a mid-day Monday would be a quiet day on the farm, so it came as a shock to see a mostly full parking lot and multiple school busses. 

“Oh, God,” David said, horrified, as a group of kids dashed in front of him to get to the giant lawn chair at the entrance. There was already a swarm of them climbing on top of it. “What fresh hell is this?”

“I’ll go get a map and see what’s up,” Patrick said, heading towards a staff member by a gate. 

David looked around, eyebrows knit. Kids ran and shouted, adults gathered and talked and laughed. A stage to the left had a live band and a group of kids learning how to dance to [The Monster Mash](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXtZSShHYjA). It was chaos. 

“You’re sparkly!” a high voice piped up and a band of kids skid to a halt next to David. 

“Yes, yep, sure am,” he agreed, hoping this would appease her. 

“Can I touch it?” the girl asked and his mouth dropped open with horror.

“Mmm, sorry, that’s a very firm no,” he said, stepping back. “I appreciate your enthusiasm and your taste, however.” The girl looked crestfallen but regrouped quickly. 

“Okay, I’ll just go buy one for me then, and you won’t be able to touch it either,” she said. “I still like it anyway.”

“I like it, too,” a boy agreed. He ran off hollering, “DAD, I want a black sparkling shirt!”

Luckily they all followed him before David could explain that it would take years of allowances to afford this. Patrick came back, looking a little worried.

“Apparently this place is a field trip magnet,” he said apologetically. “Were they bugging you? The lady said that the family area is pretty well separate from the orchards and a few other attractions, so we should be able to avoid them.”

“That’s fine,” David said, waving his hand. “Let’s get some food and figure out the plan.”

It was a chilly, grey, windy day, making the line feel longer than it was. Patrick had worn a puffy vest that David did his best to ignore, and seemed fine, but David was regretting not bringing a scarf with his sweater. He bounced and rubbed his hands together. Patrick helped, holding them and blowing on them to help warm him.

The bakery might have been basic, but David was extremely interested in the many offerings. Some were a little suspect, like pumpkin cornbread, but pumpkin and dark chocolate Nanaimo bars had great potential. As did apple cider donuts. 

“We can’t get a dozen of them,” Patrick protested. 

“They freeze really well,” the man behind the counter advised. “Just heat them in the microwave for a few seconds and they’re perfect.”

“See, they’re perfect, Patrick,” David said, grinning at him. 

Even though Patrick knew there wouldn’t be any left to freeze, they ordered a dozen, plus the Nanaimo bars, and a pumpkin funnel cake with two mugs of steaming spiced cider.

“Are you seriously going to carry these around all day?” Patrick asked. 

“Funnel cake now, donuts and bars in the bag for later,” David said breezily. “Let’s find a table.”

Patrick pored over the map while they ate the warm dough. “They have a haunted barn and a haunted hayride,” Patrick said, looking excited. 

“Have fun with those,” David said, and Patrick made a face. 

“They aren’t much fun alone,” he said. “What about the regular hayride?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” David agreed. He also, magnanimously, agreed to go in a corn maze. Which had nothing to do with apple picking, but was apparently part of the experience. 

The band picked up again and loudly began teaching kids how to dance [The Time Warp](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umj0gu5nEGs). “Enough of that,” David said, waving his hand towards it before picking up the last bite of funnel cake. “I’m going to check out that barn shop and get a scarf for the day. As much as it may pain me.”

He was pleasantly surprised to see indie handknits along with cheap acrylic and spent a few minutes browsing and taking photos of companies they might want to reach out to for the store. There were jams and jellies, mixes, and even some artwork, which they’d never offered. A lot was cheap and gimmicky, but some were solid.

He waited in line behind half a dozen kids paying with coins, holding a variegated grey merino scarf and matching mitts. The line crawled and he itched to get back outside with Patrick. 

When the kid in front of him started counting pennies for the third time, unable to get past 80, he couldn’t stand it. “Oh my God, I will buy that, just please put that baggie away,” he exclaimed, setting his set on the counter. “Just add it to my order, please.”

“Thanks!” The kid dashed away with his candy. 

“That was a real nice thing you did for that kid,” the old lady at the register said. 

“Mm, thanks,” David said, handing her his card. 

“You could have been more polite about it, though,” she continued as Patrick joined them. He looked between the two, brow creased.

David glared at her and refused a bag with a huff. “Let’s go,” he said, taking Patrick’s arm. “Sorry I took so long. Kids.”

“It’s fine,” Patrick reassured him. “Let’s find the maze.”

There was a small one for families and a larger one for teens and adults. David immediately dragged Patrick into the big one, where a staff member counted them in, and they were promptly overcome with corn stalks that stood higher than David. 

“So we just...walk?” he asked dubiously as they turned a corner. “That’s it?”

“There are trivia games and activities, if we find the right paths,” Patrick said. “But, yes. We walk. And try to get out.” 

“Do we get something if we win?” David asked.

“We can sign the Hall of Fame if we find the center of the maze,” Patrick said. “Otherwise, there’s no winning, it’s just pride.” He clapped David on the shoulder.

“I will in fact be proud of myself for surviving this,” David said, as they hit their first dead end. “Delightful.”

The school groups were a dull roar now, at least, though the band could still be heard, playing an upbeat version of [Spooky](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRYf0L9c54c). Patrick hummed along as they backtracked and made a different turn. Now that David wasn’t as cold, the crisp fall day seemed pleasant. And if the corn stalks were a tad claustrophobic, it was nice being alone with his husband.

“The first stop!” Patrick said, excited. He picked up speed and David trailed him. “Oh, we _can_ get a prize. Trade a slip in at the bakery if we get all the questions right.”

“Oh, well, then,” David said, interested. “What’s the question?”

“Everything is fall and Halloween themed,” Patrick said, reading the board. “Multiple choice. What’s the name of this painting?”

“They really don’t want us to get free baked goods,” David said. “Oh, wait, no, that’s [Autumn on the Seine](https://high.org/collections/autumn-on-the-seine-argenteuil-automne-sur-la-seine-argenteuil/). B.” 

“You’re sure?” Patrick asked, already typing it into his phone. 

“Of course I’m sure,” David said, insulted. “I’ve been to the Seine. I know it. And Monet.”

“Personally?” Patrick asked, smirking.

“Stop second guessing my knowledge and write it down,” David said. 

“I am, I swear.” Patrick showed him the notes app. “And I can’t get a good signal in here anyway.”

David reached for his phone in horror. “Ugh,” he groaned. “How long do these take?”

“Maybe half hour, forty five minutes,” Patrick said. “Come on, let’s find the next one.” He bounced off and David followed, waving his phone to see if a signal would appear. “Stop second guessing my knowledge!” Patrick called back, and David sighed. 

They found the third board, and Patrick knew the original spelling of Beetlejuice, and then the second, where they both came up with three [artists](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=82cdnAUvsw8) who [sang](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwpaA5HGo9k) [I Put a Spell on You](https://youtu.be/ua2k52n_Bvw). 

They kept wandering, without finding the center or the last three boards. Their current path was a little narrow, and the band had faded.

“How long have we been in here?” David asked. 

Patrick glanced at his watch. “Almost an hour,” he said, surprised.

“Oh, my God,” David said. “Are we lost in here?” His voice scaled up. “This is an ignominious way to die, Patrick. I deserve better than that ending.”

“No, David,” Patrick said, exasperated, but he looked a little concerned. “They know we’re in here, they tally everyone up at entrance and exit. Come on, let’s try going left.” 

They moved quicker through the maze now, Patrick frowning and shoulders tensing as he chose directions to take.

“Hey, do you hear anything?” David asked suddenly.

Patrick paused. “No, I don’t think so. Why?”

“Because we used to be able to hear the band, and now we can’t,” David said. 

“That’s not helping,” Patrick said tightly. “You are not providing helpful information.”

“Well, I don’t have any other kind of information to offer,” David said, waving his hands. “I don’t know anything about mazes or navigation or the wilderness.”

“This isn’t the wilderness,” Patrick snapped. “We are in semi-rural Ontario, surrounded by hundreds of school children and their chaperones. And millions of acres of corn.” He kicked at the netting that held the corn back and it tore.

“Wow, okay, what crawled up your ass?” David asked. “Is your blood sugar low? Do you want one of these donuts?” He started digging in the bag.

“No, I don’t want a donut,” Patrick said, turning. “Left.”

“Aye aye,” David said, frowning and following

Another fifteen minutes and they were back at the torn netting.

“Fuck,” Patrick said, kicking at the ground. 

“Okay, seriously. Eat a donut,” David said, frowning. “You need a break.”

Patrick took the donut and ate it aggressively. 

“Now, for God’s sake, tell me what’s going on,” David said, finishing his. “Are you sure that there’s no other competition you neglected to share? Did you really want that bakery prize? Because I’ll buy you something else from the bakery. Like maybe the maple sugar candy?”

Patrick swallowed his last bite and rubbed his head. “All I wanted was to have a fun date with you,” he said. “And I brought you to a place crawling with kids and got you lost in a crop field. I really screwed it up.”

“Uh, no, you didn’t,” David said. “I mean, I don’t like being lost, it’s really stressful, actually. I feel like the corn is just narrowing in on us? But I’m with you, and I like that part. And the food.”

“I know this kind of thing isn’t your style, but I didn’t think it would be exactly this much of a disaster,” Patrick said. “The kids are bothering you, that sales lady was a jerk, and you wore expensive white shoes! That are dirty!”

“Uh, yeah, I wore them because dirt and farm gunk brushes off of them really easily,” David said, confused. “I learned that at the goat farm. And the kids and sales lady were fine? And the food is really good.”

“Every fall when I was growing up, my friends and I would take our dates to the farm and it was really fun and romantic. When I found this place, I just wanted to share that with you,” Patrick said, looking defeated.

“I’m not really getting romance out of this, I’ll be honest,” David said, rubbing Patrick’s arms. “But I like my scarf, and spending time with you away from the store and home, and that’s plenty fun.”

“Yeah?” Patrick asked, tipping his head up.

“Yeah.” David wrapped his arms around Patrick’s neck, and felt Patrick’s arms around his waist. “I really do want to get out of this maze, though.”

Patrick snorted and gave him a quick kiss on his neck. “Well, the romance part back then was getting, and there are finger quotes here, “lost” in the maze and kissing your partner away from prying eyes. But I’ve never been in a maze that took longer than an hour, and I honestly am not sure where we are.”

“Mmm. I’m very in favor of kissing,” David said, pressing one to Patrick’s lips. “But I am wondering where it was throughout this experience?”

“Oh, I got completely distracted by the trivia competition,” Patrick said. 

“Of course you did,” David said. “Well, maybe we want to do that kissing once we’re out of the maze. In the orchard, perhaps. Where there’s wide open spaces and not,” he waved at their current surroundings.

“All right,” Patrick agreed. “Let’s get out of here.”

“I’ll lead this time,” David said, and they took off. 

After about twenty minutes, David stopped. “Hear that?” 

Patrick listened and grinned. “The band is back.”

“[Swinging at the Séance](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGdHjHEaeVU),” David confirmed. “We are being summoned back to the land of the living.”

Another ten minutes and they were at the sixth board, which asked for the first murder in Scream. Patrick guessed c, Casey Becker, and they moved on. 

And another ten minutes later, with the distant crowd roar getting closer, they finally made it out. 

“Two and a half fucking hours,” David said, shaking his head and disdaining Patrick’s high five as they were checked off the exit list.

Patrick turned to the sign to check their trivia answers and whistled. “Damn, this was 12 acres of corn. No wonder it took so long.” At David’s quirked eyebrow, he added, “I’ve only ever been in 5 acres before. This is huge.”

“Well, wish we knew that before we started,” David said, feeling very over the whole experience. “Come on, I need some sustenance after that adventure. Even if we didn’t win a bakery slip.”

The school children were leaving in droves, their day done, as David and Patrick split apple nachos. By the time they bought their bags for apple picking, there were only stragglers and they had the orchard to themselves for picking and kissing--theoretically.

“Wait, we’re allowed to eat as many apples as we want while we do this?” David asked incredulously. “Why didn’t you tell me that bit?” He pulled a Crimson Crisp off a new row of trees, bit down, and his eyes widened. “We have to pick these, Patrick. And sell them. Will they contract with us?” He wandered down the line of trees, filling his bag enthusiastically as Patrick trailed him.

“Guess the kissing is off the table?” he asked.

David turned and leaned in toward him, substituting an apple at the last moment, pushing it into Patrick’s mouth. “Don’t be a whiny date,” he said, biting back a grin. “Come on, we have half a bushel of the best apples to find.”


End file.
